I wish I have the power to read minds. Like seriously. Also, I really wish I can go back to studying for a while. Or forever. But money doesn't grow on trees. Don't know what to do with life.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Anyway (and yes, I can't believe I'm saying this because this is SO not me), a few minutes ago I was sending a desperate plea to heaven about something that was really, really close to my heart. I've never wanted so much for one person before (because I was always a selfish spoilt brat haha). It took almost 30 years for someone to make me want to change this trait.
I've been feeling really powerless these days. And I also hate myself for not being to achieve some things (not work-related)...
Anyway, I was praying (it feels really weird to be saying this) just now. And this song was played on radio the next minute. It's a motherly love song sung by Tarzan's gorilla adoptive mother, but I can see it from another angle - not the death one, but something that I've been going through for almost two years.
Coincidence, maybe? Or not...
Why can't they understand?
I wish everything can be solved magically. We've been through enough, really.
Saturday, March 18, 2017
It's been a year of ups and downs. Mostly up, but there's one "down" that I feel like I will never forget or forgive myself for. I still feel like zombie sometimes -- like all my drive and motivation has been sucked out and everything just... Vanished.
And I feel like I can't get out of it. I've always bounced bad from adversities rather easily, but this time, I feel like I'll never be OK. And as much as I want to change, I simply don't have the faith anymore. Plus other factors are controlling me. It's so overwhelming sometimes and nobody understands. And my household is so controlling that my cousin is the only person in the world who understands it and understands how I feel - because she's seen it happen.
It's so sad sometimes. Well just one time. I've always accepted that my life was like that... Until B. And then I only wanted one thing in my life. Other things, people could stop me, imprison me and I'd be fine (ren ming haha). But this one... I've never felt such a strong connection to anyone at at... And it's just ruined. That's not even the worst thing that's happened. The worst thing that happened is hurting and disappointing someone else. Someone who has always been sweet, supportive and encouraging. Someone who wants the best got me despite not having much himself. And he didn't even do anything wrong....
And I can't return anything because idk.... Maybe because I'm just useless. Cowardly.
And the people closest to me just know how to control me.
I want my own life. I want my own home. I want to live life to the fullest, in my own definition. But how? Nobody (except my cousin) understands the environment I live in.
You know, to many people in the world, I live a priviledged life. And I may seem like such an awful person for not appreciating what I have. But to me, they're privileged as well. They don't live in a clockwork bubble. They're free.
Gargghhhh really need to pull myself together. That's the only way to go up.
Friday, March 10, 2017
Then again (uplifting in a way), I know I'm not alone. I've seen the most brilliant writers and YouTubers going through the same thing too — for example, this YouTuber once mentioned that he spent hours cycling for a video... And the client ended up not approving that video! But he didn't let it stop him from continuing to come up with more content.
Can't win em' all (no human can, not even someone as perfect as Emma Watson), but I wish I could! Must. Be. Positive.
And here's my inspiration playlist of the week.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
It's been about three months since I was last here. Wow, has it really been THAT long?
Anyway, I just back-upped all my files, photos and videos, my previously almost 90%-filled desktop is now clear and very neatly organised. Fees soooooo good. I hope I can keep this up! A messy desktop is such a turn-off, and it always makes me not want to do any work on my laptop.
I guess that's why I'm back here - because woohoo, clean-looking start-up screen (for now at least).
And my next step.... I need to make it a habit to organise the photos and videos in my computer monthly at least. Perhaps by doing that, I'll get a little motivation to blog as well... Like a monthly update of what I've been up to.
Not that I've been doing anything extra special these days, blah.
But in my dreams, I'm a travel talkshow host!
Oh man the weather's getting warm again. I sooooo enjoyed the November to February period, where the weather in Singapore's the most pleasant.