It's been a year of ups and downs. Mostly up, but there's one "down" that I feel like I will never forget or forgive myself for. I still feel like zombie sometimes -- like all my drive and motivation has been sucked out and everything just... Vanished.
And I feel like I can't get out of it. I've always bounced bad from adversities rather easily, but this time, I feel like I'll never be OK. And as much as I want to change, I simply don't have the faith anymore. Plus other factors are controlling me. It's so overwhelming sometimes and nobody understands. And my household is so controlling that my cousin is the only person in the world who understands it and understands how I feel - because she's seen it happen.
It's so sad sometimes. Well just one time. I've always accepted that my life was like that... Until B. And then I only wanted one thing in my life. Other things, people could stop me, imprison me and I'd be fine (ren ming haha). But this one... I've never felt such a strong connection to anyone at at... And it's just ruined. That's not even the worst thing that's happened. The worst thing that happened is hurting and disappointing someone else. Someone who has always been sweet, supportive and encouraging. Someone who wants the best got me despite not having much himself. And he didn't even do anything wrong....
And I can't return anything because idk.... Maybe because I'm just useless. Cowardly.
And the people closest to me just know how to control me.
I want my own life. I want my own home. I want to live life to the fullest, in my own definition. But how? Nobody (except my cousin) understands the environment I live in.
You know, to many people in the world, I live a priviledged life. And I may seem like such an awful person for not appreciating what I have. But to me, they're privileged as well. They don't live in a clockwork bubble. They're free.
Gargghhhh really need to pull myself together. That's the only way to go up.