You Will Not Read This Post

Super wordy posts these days, but nobody reads this rubbish anyway so I'll just type like, anyhow. And not watch my grammar, tenses, whatever. I have a post about yet another adversity in my drafts, but not sure if I'm going to publish it. If you've been reading my blog you'd have realised that I've had quite a few (uncharacteristic) crying jags and a lot, a lot of feeling lost and hopeless.

I am really not a pessimistic person, but it seems like everything is going downhill this month. I don't know why everything is happening all at once, and I don't know if it'll persist, and if it does, I don't know how if I'll lose my mind or something. I push myself so, so much but it seems like I'll never be where I want to be. And then I continue pushing and yeah, here's where I am now - on the verge of giving up trying, because, hey, there're only so many blows one can take within a month.

I hope to be brilliant or special someday, but at the very least, I hope to be Not Lousy.

This month, I realised that trying too hard can make everything backfire and explode in my face. Just like how I stressed over my job, interviews, some other stuff, then stats exam (which always kills 1/2the cohort), and I was gunning for an A+ in another exam. And I get horrible nightmares when I get too stressed. The exam preparation.... all went down the drain. BECAUSE I GOT STOMACH FLU AND GASTRITIS. Which came along with fever and Niagara Falls-Worthy vomiting spells. I don't even get it. I've never gotten stomach flu. I refused to go out. It was like a freaking self-imposed house arrest AND I GOT STOMACH FLU ON SUCH AN IMPORTANT WEEK? How is that even possible?

I was watching How I Met Your Mother (again), and there was this episode about "Last Words". Sometimes I think about morbid things when I am depressed, and this is one of those times. There are a lot of things on my bucket list I haven't fulfilled. I'm not going to talk about my bucket list because well, if I don't fulfil them before passing on, it would be a terrible embarrassment.

But I can tell you about the things that I always fantasise about! I've always dreamt of going overseas! The reason I'm not saying 'travelling' is because 'travelling' seems like I wanna go to some faraway country on long haul flights, like Greece or USA or London, Paris or something. I am not greedy

One day, I will write a pretend blog about my adventures in places I've always wanted to go! Those are places my friends go (and always invite me but I can't go boohoo). I'm sure I can write very convincingly HAHAHA. I'll write about crazy shopping sprees in Bangkok, lazing on a clear, pristine beach in the Philippines, renting a nice villa with a private pool in Bali/Langkawi/Batam, OH and going there via FERRY!!! Maldives would be awesome too! And I am going to learn Photoshop so that I can kope their photos and overlay my photos hahahaha.

Sometimes I look at my friends' holiday photos a lot in hopes that I'll dream about them (the holiday destinations, not my friends, sorry :X) but it never happens!

I'm sorry I can't go to those places but dear friends if you read this and if I die before you, you can get my ashes and split them and scatter them in those places!! And then you can type R.I.P on Facebook (if Facebook still exists then) and feel very sincere! Korea and Japan is fine too!!

I guess that's all before I burst into tears.

I sincerely hope everybody else is doing well in life, and there will be more ups than downs for you!


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