Friday, July 12, 2013

The reason for my existence

 
There must be one, isn't it? Maybe I just haven't realised it yet.

I've never been one to have deep, depressing thoughts, but well since I'm at it now, maybe you should go buy lottery or something, because me being depressed in life is like a one-in-a-billion thing. Usually I just get pissed off.

And you can stop reading because this is going to be a very long post. Chances are that you won't know what I'm talking about, anyway.

There are times when I want to turn the clock back, to a time just before my birth. Or when my soul arrived on Earth. Because right now, I feel like my existence is a mistake. Somebody must have messed up, and sent me here by accident.

I can't do anything right. Heck, I can't even breathe right. Or move right. These days, I don't even dare to breathe or move without pissing somebody off. Why are some people so... volatile, anyway? You don't know when all hell is going too break lose, but just brace myself and hope for the best. Sometimes, things are good. Really good. And then it can make a 180degree about-turn when you least expect it.

I'm fortunate enough to live in Singapore, where there's no war, no bombs, no land mines. But I think I might be beginning to understand how people in war-torn countries feel. You walk, you run, you tread lightly, you jump. Ever so careful, but if something is going to blow up in your face, it will, no matter how much caution you practice. Only theirs is physical, and mine is psychological.

It gets so suffocating sometimes, that I just to escape can never come back. Live in some French country-side or something. Or Santorini, Greece. I just don't have the means to do that. Will never get consent too. And like I mentioned, when things are good, they are really good, and I feel stupid for feeling so down. It has become practice to access the situation upon waking up, which would then decide how I tread for the way. Which may still result in a blow-up.

I don't know how long I can withstand this share-market phenomenon anymore, and I can't wait for the day I can flee. Not even sure if I'll ever be able to do that. Because with the cost of living these days, the quote  'When There's a Will, There's a Way", isn't really valid.

I took a gap year because working full-time and juggling studies at night was too exhausting, and for 2 years, I didn't feel human. I felt like a machine, and a inferior one at that, because I didn't have enough time to excel. I did well this semester because I had more time on my hands. But well.... It's complicated and staying at home isn't well.. working that well for me. I really don't want to get not-so-stellar results again.

And if I go back to work, the last two months of holiday would have been a waste. Actually, I think the whole gap year has been a waste because I HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE STRESSED. But staying at home is stressful too, though I can't explain it here. And can't even explain it to myself, for that matter.

Also, I wish that the renovation works get over and done with, once and for all, and nothing spoils, everything is perfect. I can give up 10 years of my (useless) lifespan for that, really. Every time something is just a little imperfect, I feel this dreadful feeling of impending doom. Little kinks here and there won't seem like a big deal to you, but in my home, it's horrible. So horrible that every time I hear a call from the contactor, or some imperfection surfaces, I want to run. But that'll cause trouble too (somehow), so I'll up it a bit, and tell you I WANT TO DIE/VANISH FOR GOOD. Not that I'll do anything stupid because suicide is illegal in Singapore and I am a law-abiding citizen hahaha.

But seriously, I don't know how long I can take this. And from the way I see it (and how nothing and nobody is perfect). this isn't going to end. Maybe, I'll die of suffocation one of these days, and maybe that will be for the best.

And writing here is so much safer from writing my diary (which I have since destroyed).
Doubt I can take somebody's erratic moods swings much longer. I am going to burst. But then again, I am also supposed to just keep quiet. No answering back, no speaking my mind, no justifying my actions or risk starting World War 3. 

*fighting the urge to hurl my mouse at the wall*

1 comment:

Caztial said...

I'm on a quest finding the reason of my existence. you should start your's too because We wont be living in this world if we dont have a reason. We just have to look harder