Double eyelid surgery(HAHA) and somebody threw shit at me

Actually, I don't think somebody threw shit at me. Well, not exactly, anyway. I only wanted to catch your attention. Haha.

It's a complicated story. Or maybe it's only complicated because I'm not Enid Blyton (you know, brilliant and engaging storyteller).

So I had this really bad bout of eye problems on Friday, and on Tuesday (armed with wet wipes, and hand sanitiser, duh), I finally dragged myself to see a doctor. And also because I scared the shit outta myself when I Geh Kiang and Googled the symptoms.

I swear, Google is my BFF but sometimes I think we're Frenemies. The more I dig deeper... the more far-fetched things get. Like this meebo thing I saw on Instagram.

Oh here's a pic of my eyes if you're interested.

Okay. More than one pic.
Monday: "Double Eyelid Procedure" Day 4
I look like I just had cosmetic surgery to get double eyelids. Don't ask me why the swelling's at the bottom instead of the top now. I have no idea too!
Ok but jokes aside (btw my priority is sawing  off my bigfatjaw), I was panicking. And one eyebrow is higher than the other.

Tuesday: Double eyelid surgery aftermath Day 5.
WOOHOO At least I can see eyelids now! But  (again) seriously. I had it. Went to see a doctor.
Saturday:   Day 9 (NOW, actually)
I see triple eyelids. Actually I'm still panicking but it's ok maybe God is finally giving me Deep-Set eyes. Because God know how long I've been bugging him to look at least a bit pretty. So maybe a magical change is happening!! Maybe I've got a Fairy Godmother or something. Like in some Disney movie or some Science Fiction thing.

Anyway the doctor said I got stye (and 3 of them, Google it yourself).
I am the Stye Queen lol just that the upper eyelid one just felt feels wierd.
不知道看到设么东西. Amanda must be your cleavage la!


I was walking home, and at the same time, texting someone to tell her not to expect me today.... when I heard a trickling noise.. and the next split second... some brown liquid on my hands (and shirt also, but I only realised that later). I was like:

"WAH LAU who's that inconsiderate fool? Anyhow throw food out of the window! Don't know how to use dustbin ah? Later kena your neighbour's clothes, how?".

And the next split second... The stench hit me. I said a very bad word. Fucking disgusting ok! Imagine having god-knows-whose shit on your HANDS.
I can still remember the smell ahhhhh. Horrible. Overpowering (though it was just a bit). Unforgettable.

I thought it was like... soy sauce or something somebody just conveniently throw out of their house but oh no f**king no. You have no idea how mortified I was when the stench floated up. I have never smelt anything more powerful in my life. Not even when I had the worse case of food poisoning. Or when the sewer pipes broke. Ok fine. I've never experienced sewer breakage, but you get the point.

And when I wiped the ...WATER off with tissue, the smell was still there WTF.
OK la. At least it didn't land on my head. Or else lagi worse.

Anyway I was too traumatised and I immediately thought it was birdshit. I wanted to rush home to bathe IMMEDIATELY but the smell was really too bad, so I rushed to NTUC (for  Non-Singaporeans, that's a supermarket/grocery store) to buy wet wipes. I wanted to cryyyyyyyy because the stench was bloody unbearable! Took the shortest Queue (AND IT WAS EXPRESS QUEUE!) only to.....

Sorry about the bad words - i was traumatised la and you'd only understand if you really experience it! :(

Went to Google (haven't learnt my lesson), and was taken in by all The Evils of Bird Poop ANd the Diseases They Bring About and I almost started to prepare for a bout of deadly infection or pneumonia already #noshit #pardonthepun.

Anyway, after reading all that.. I became The Bird Poop Expert.
Did you know, bird poop's usually white-ish, has a toothpaste-like consistency, and if your bird's poop smells, it's most likely sick? And sometimes, the colour of their poop tells you what kinda sickness they've got! Oh yeah and sick bird's poop's toxic if inhaled too much. Especially if it's left out todry - most bacteria. Happens in soil and attics ususally. (Told you am a pro now) #callmeshushupedia

And then I came to this conclusion...

I thought somebody might have sabo-ed me. Some people dislike seeing others texting &walking ( I promise I almost never do it). Perhaps somebody wanted to teach me a lesson.
And the CSI fan I am.... I went back to the Crime Scene. Actually I wanted to:
1) Pretend to walk & text and see if anyone threw shit at me but I chickened out!
2) Stand, observe and catch the shit-thrower pourer (since it was so damn watery) red-handed
3) See if it was a simple case of sewer pipe breakage (it wasn't, btw)


*Puts on my best Mac Taylor Face*
After some extensive (albeit angsty) investigation... I officially draw my final conclusion.

It wasn't bird poop, it wasn't human poop. Well not really, anyway. I think it was most likely fertilizer. Notice that almost every floor has potted plants? And how the second and third floor has brown residue? Somethig must have overflowed la. I mean... we live in a crazy world but surely no one would throw shit randomly, right?

My next project is to catch all the Pigeon Feeders.
Shu Shu, Crime Scene Investigator Wannabe.


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